Change is in the air.  Or maybe it's need for change.  Or possibly, I just didn't sleep enough last night.  Not sure which.

Yesterday, I watched Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  I think I may have to analyze that film.  I'm sure a student somewhere out there already has, but maybe my approach will be different.  I have decided I will be willing to marry Mr. Wonka even though his wonderful sense of humor would slowly chip away at what little self-esteem I have.  But, I'd probably insult him every 5 minutes.  So, everything would even out and we'd be a typical American couple.

I did get a tad bit ornery last night when Leslie and her friend wouldn't stop talking until 3 in the morning about things I couldn't relate to (being 1/2 of a couple, buying a house, marriage, sex-you know, things I have 0 experience with).  We were at Leslie's, 3 corners of a triangle on two large couches.  Mine was the silent corner/the corner of prayer.  Hoping that the conversation would end so someone could drive me home.

In theory, I should have been happy with the experience as it goes well with my Stress Less plan.  But, the 2 and 1/2 hours of talking was well outside my arranged GRE/French break time.  See, Leslie was supposed to pick me up at 7, we'd eat dinner wall watching Willie dance around his factory, then I'd be sent right back home around 10 PM to, you know, study for my rather large French test that is on Monday and for which I am in no way prepared. 
Leslie didn't pick me up until around 8.  I should have known things would go down hill from there.

So, now I'm operating on a severe lack of sleep.  I did enough studying so that my stress has ebbed for at least an hour or two.  I'd planned to study more...but I went all contemplative on myself.  Here are some thoughts from while I was trying to study at B&N:  "Maybe it's the lack of sleep, but I have this strange urge to do something spontaneous.  Big spontaneous...like leave the country, drop out of school, run away from everything that is bothering me.  I feel like I want to change the path I've set out for my life.  I have to wonder, what brought this on?  I can't help but think that it is fear.  Fear of failing at my dreams.  Fear of everyone knowing I'd failed.  Fear of always waiting for that moment when my life is going to start but never reaching it or realizing life passed me by.  Is fear a bad reason to want to take the road less traveled?  Is there any other reason."

I went a little crazy.  So, I went and spent 30 dollars at the used book store (Sorry Monica, nothing for you, but feel free to look at the books).  I bought a copy of a volume of some of the letters of George Orwell.  I love the way that man writes.

A few days ago, I had a few more interesting thoughts that surprised me.  I was watching a couple.  College age.  Shaggy hippies who probably like to indulge in drugs.  They weren't high when I was watching them.  Nope, they were being cute.  Standing way close together looking into each other's eyes and talking.  That made me think.  As a person who hates feeling vulnerable, and doesn't like people to stand too close for fear of what they might see, I realized that, at some point, I do want to be seen.  Eventually, I want a relationship. 

I know most of you are going "duh."  Who doesn't want one?  But you need to realize that I could really live as a hermit and be happy doing so.  This was a big revelation for me.  So, I guess now I'm going to have to work on being less closed off.  *Rolls eyes* what fun that will be.

Yep, there's been some emotional developing going on in East Lansing.

Well, I'm off to possibly study.  Or maybe I'll just fall in love with good ol'George's writing style again.