Adventures with New Homeowner

As new homeowner looks out her window at her new porch, she notices a spider hanging above her wooden railing. Having been tortured by spiders on previous occasions, she carefully chooses a hardcover book that she doesn't love too much (Say it with Flowers and Plants). She slowly opens her sliding door. Book held high, she steps out, then closes door quickly. Don't want any spiders making her home theirs.

New homeowner stares at spider, recalling time when she had refused to kill spiders, before they invaded territory she owned. This home invader is huge. The unmoving creature seems unaware of her presence. Homeowner strikes. The book forces the spider to collide with the porch wall. The spider continues to flail, refusing to die. New homeowner begins to panic. She strikes with the book again and again. Finally, the spider's body crumples and falls between two of the floorboards. Homeowner continues to breath heavy, the book shaking in her hands as she examines the legs of the corpse for twitches. Finding none, she sighs, stands up straight and examines the view. She pauses when she sees a brown spot at the top corner of her porch, near where the wall and overhand connect. An inch long, thick-legged, spider in another web. And there's yet another small spider near by.

New homeowner turns slowly, examining the walls and roof of her new porch. Dozens of them. All along porch ceiling. In every corner. The giant web found in Texas does not compare to the size of the network of webs found on porch. An egg must have hatched and the beasts didn't go far. Homeowner looks up. Giant spiders directly above her head.

New homeowner has mental breakdown. Movie "Arachnophobia" replays in her head. Homeowner shivers, feeling hundreds of spiders crawl all over her body. She retreats inside, making sure to lock the door. She awaits the arrival of her parents and the can of Raid they have promised to bring.